Name Pain Relief for Bogans

Filed in Archive, Blog by on July 20, 2013 0 Comments

LaserSurgery2final

With a name like Euan, I can empathise with a generation of bogans who are sick and tired of having their names misspelled and mispronounced. But a Celtic form of ‘John’ such as ‘Euan’ was never intended as a deliberate misspelling to make its owner as unique as a snowflake. In the UK, particularly Wales and Scotland, Euan and Ewan are relatively common names, e.g. Ewan McGregor.

In Australia, however, cashed-up bogans are inflicting lifelong burdens on their spawn with names like Jaxen (Jackson), Breeanha (Brianna), Maxx (Max) and, my favourite, Caleigh (Kelly – I kid you not). But being ‘different’ through deliberate misspelling has now become so commonplace that the practice defeats its own purpose. So I’ve developed a solution for those parents who’ve finally realised what a tiresome yoke they have harnessed their kids with.

In simple terms it’s called a name job or name-lift. Easier to perform than nose or boob jobs and certainly much simpler than face-lifts or penile extensions. It involves laser surgery that directly encrypts instructions into the brains of bogan parents on how to fill out a name change application form at their nearest Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages (this has superseded Deed Poll). Kids can’t legally change their own names until they turn 18, and I can no longer accept proof of age from your Facebook page.

And for a few extra dollars I can turn the laser on any parental tattoos bearing the names of their offspring in order to fix the spellings. However, eliminating the related desire for personalised numberplates (especially if X’s or SMS text is involved) requires more extended treatment involving a straitjacket and eyedrops similar to the correctional conditioning process in A Clockwork Orange.

Medical legislation requires me to disclose there is a 2.5% risk of the laser encrypting the wrong parts of the frontal lobes and unfortunately causing a language lobotomy. Even so, I find most of these clients barely notice any difference.

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Editor’s Note: If you need to dob in a bogan for a name job with Euan, use the comments section on this webpage and don’t think it’s un-Australian – it’s for a greater good.

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